This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Randomize
