I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
