I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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