so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
