I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
