i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize