woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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