mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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