In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
