Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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