Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
