They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
