Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
