I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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