Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
