I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
