I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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