Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
