think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
