I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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