I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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