Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
