my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
