This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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