new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
