i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
