I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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