I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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