Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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