I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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