after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
