you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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