I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
