I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
