I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
