i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
