the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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