You're my little dorito
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So much rum. So many feels.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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