HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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