I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How external is "for external use only"?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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