i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
sex in a hospital.. check
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
