I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
