I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
