so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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