drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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