Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
