I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she peed on how many people?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
