His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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