bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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