turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks