nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo