i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down