I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
