Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
