you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
