her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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