There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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