I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
