youre lurking in front of me
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
