My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
