im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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