is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
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Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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