It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
